21 September 2005

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Today had been a very tiresome yet exciting day. I had helped my co-teaching assistant in grading our students' papers, so that we can give it back to them in time for the morning class. Then I had two classes in the afternoon, as usual, where I had a little bit of fun, actually, which was a surprising thing for Semantics, since usually, the lecture is one-way and not hands-on.

The big thing that happened today was that I met two family friends again, after not seeing them for seven years! They are a couple, and the last time I saw them was in Osaka back in 1998. We had some e-mail exchanges during the years, but somehow the communication died out. Then I moved here in Buffalo for graduate school, and they moved here earlier in the year, and then I just bumped into them again! Fantastic!

It is amazing how the attachments that you create to different people in the past instantly flourishes again when you see them after a long time. Even if the relationship seemed to have died out, once you bump into one another again, everything just starts kicking back to life.

I am glad they are happy to see me. The last time they saw me was when I was 16. Now I am 23. But the good thing was that they recognized me. I looked the same, but a more mature, they say. We exchanged a lot of talk regarding common friends, why I am here, what happened after Japan, and so forth. It was just a happy evening.

Speaking of attachments, sometimes there are attachments that you want to break yet cannot do so. There is someone who is really close to me, in which I am having a dilemma. Let us call her Miss R. Miss R has been a very captivating, intriguing, fascinating personality that has captured my heart for the past four years. We have been close to each other during college. We liked the company of each other. We talked together, spent time together, and killed time together.

It would have been nice if circumstances permitted us to date each other. I really wanted to ask her out, which I had a very good idea that she would accept. But no, I have known her for four years but I didn't ask her out. One part of me was saying Go ahead what are you waiting for while another part of me would say It just wouldn't work out.

So four years passed and we parted ways. That's the thing, I knew that we would part ways. I knew from the start that I wanted to go to graduate school outside the country, and I knew that somehow there would come a time that we would be separated. So why start a relationship when you know it would not last?

I was being pragmatic. Maybe in a bad way. But that was how it went. I look in my wallet, and I still have her picture. I know her email address, yet I am afraid that sending her a note would only make matters worse.

It is really hard weighing things like this. When I remember the times that I spent with her, it was so good that I don't have words to explain it. The air just changes whenever I am around her. It would seem that everything would be perfect as long as she is there. But then a second later and I would think that all of this wouldn't last and I would just fake my reality if I think that I could continue on thinking so.

And I see myself right now, 8,300 miles away, as a living proof that I was right. Maybe, if I had asked her out and had a relationship, then I wouldn't be here. Maybe it would be a factor for me not to leave the country. Which then brings out the issue of a relationship or a career.

Obviously, I chose my career. Would I be happy? Right now, I am. Seeing my accomplishments, but then I know that it would be unbalanced if I do not pay attention to my emotional needs.

I find myself at the treshold of an imaginary bridge. I cannot decide what I should do to the memories. I have connections to the past, to Miss R, but I don't know what to do. Many people have told me that I did the right thing by being practical, that I grabbed the chance to study where I am right now, because it would be beneficial to my future. Many people have told me to move on. That Miss R is a thing of the past.

But that seems to be a hard thing to do. It might not be pragmatic to hold on to the memories, but I find it hard to move on. I don't know whether I should forget Miss R or remember her. Remembering her might be a big blockade in moving on. Right now, I don't have any interest whatsoever in socializing with other women, probably because Miss R is still inside my head.

I am cursed. Cursed in the sense that I am plagued by this dilemma of the past. It seems that the past has gone to haunt me. Whenever I pull out her photo from my wallet, it never ceases to amaze me how amazing and captivating her persona was to me. I feel like being trapped by Calypso in the island of Ogygia.

I believe that this is the most personal entry I made to date. I think I should think about it for a while tonight, but then minutes will pass, hours, and the date will change. I will forget about the topic, until I pull out my wallet and see her picture again.

5 comments:

  1. I know that feeling only too well. I never know how to react to these situations, either, so I'm not much help in the practical way. All I can say is hang in there!

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  2. just :( Miss R, I wonder if she is thinking of you too.

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  3. i made a similar decision 3 years back. part of me says i made the wrong decision and yet i am happy where i am now.

    If you and Miss R are meant to be, it will! you're still young and many things are still bound to happen to you.

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  4. In the meantime I try to trust my feelings more than my mind. They rank first. A long time I trusted my mind more than my feelings. But I was unhappy!
    Am I more happy now?
    I am not sure. It's not easy to endure if the feelings will be disappointed or be hurted.

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  5. let go... some people say that love is like a butterfly, if you let it go and it comes back, then maybe it's for you. for now, there is no reason why you should put yourself in a painful situation like how you described your memories of Miss R. what is it that you miss about her? is it the knowledge of having someone to share something with? your achievements perhaps? a friend of mine said, "every achievement means nothing unless you share it with someone." there are many ways of looking at that statement. you may not have Miss R to share your achievements with but i'm sure you have plenty of friends and family to whom you can gloat. sometimes, it's just a matter of perspective. but going back to the haunting memories of Miss R, is it really a haunting? or more like a welcomed trip down memory lane? when the time comes, when you are ready and well set in your career, would it be possible to reach for her again? and before you bog yourself down with the endless what-ifs, a little email hello might not hurt to rekindle the fire of your once intimate friendship. just like how you bumped into your friends from japan... sometimes, the greatest fears are only within ourselves...

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