01 December 2005

Unbalanced

It was brought to my attention through my comments box that I always blog about my professional activities and not about my personal life. That I always blog about my field, and not about my escapades with women. That my blog has a highly technical orientation to it, and without me continously explaining it, nobody would understand it.

It's not that I take offense with these comments. Rather, they provide insight as to how I am perceived my others.

Which then leads to introspection.

Which leads to me asking myself: Am I being left out on something else?

True, if I compare my life with the life of my other friends, both here and in Manila, in some ways, they have chosen some aspect of their lives to further advance, while I on the other hand chose my career to further advance.

Take my buddies for example. Two of my buddies, one of them my cousin, and the other a close friend of mine, already are married, and have children. My friend actually will have his second child pretty soon. I on the other hand, am single, and currently not dating anyone. Instead, I am working my way in graduate school, studying and teaching at the same time.

Is there something wrong in the picture?

Most of the time, I don't feel like this, unless somebody brings it up, like today. I sometimes get this feeling that I am unbalanced, extreme, and should loosen up a little. But if I am unbalanced, why don't I feel that there is something missing? If I am unbalanced by not having a partner, why don't I feel that supposedly gaping hole in my life? If I am unbalanced by still being single, why don't I feel the rush to grab somebody and get married?

It's true that I have longed for the company of women before (Just read my previous posts, and you'll understand.), but right now, I don't feel it. It is just not a big part of my life right now. When I was in college in Manila, I spent four years deciphering my feelings, as if I was on methamphetamine. The feeling was euphoric, yet addictive. My mind would drift and then her image would pop up in my head, and the cycle would just go on and on. It seemed that her thought was the driving force of my everyday life back then. I looked forward to going to school because I would see her. Because I would hear her. Because I would be able to talk to her. And whenever I wouldn't see her, I would just be down, as if I want my brand new shot of meth.

Now, I don't know, but I am driven without the girl. I look forward to every day that would come, no matter how tired I might have been the other day, but still, I love my life right now. I guess it is true how one of my professors in undergrad put it: I am riding the momentum of my life.

I see fellow classmates that already have families. One classmate of mine got married immediately after high school, and right now she has three kids already. I see her always tired, and unfocused, apparently because of lack of energy. I never see her with a bright face though. I on the other hand, have no dependents under my wing, completely free, independent. I just love the feeling of this. It is like sleeping with three layers of clothes on, compared to sleeping naked.

I have to admit, I do have some time in which I ponder whether the choice that I have made is the right choice. This is whenever I see my buddies enjoying the company of their wives and children, and how I don't have that. But then, maybe, not everyone can have what they want. Or else, there wouldn't be a concept of "wanting" anymore if that is the case.

Well, the final analysis is, I still love the way my life has turned out, and I am grateful for it.

5 comments:

  1. that shouldn't be a prob, liw. you can always marry later. meantime, go and enjoy life! you owe it to yourself.

    ReplyDelete
  2. the time comes when it comes. :) you are riding the momentum of your life! you can start worrying when you're 30 (LOL).

    ReplyDelete
  3. welcome to the club LIW! i always get the same questions from my peers. but like you, im glad with how my life is going on.

    let's drink to that!

    ReplyDelete
  4. hahaha! nobody's rushing you cuz. but of course, exciting lang talaga kapag may nababalitaang news (in this case, reading about it) about one's lovelife lalo na kung kamag-anak mo pa ito.

    tama din naman na enjoy mo your single life & make the most out of it. paminsan, you'll get those pangs of loneliness & a longing for a serious relationship. but at your age, asus, enjoy mo pagka-binata mo. ;)

    lastly, gumimik ka naman jan with your friends. mag-isa ka na nga lang jan eh. ;)

    ReplyDelete
  5. I see no reason for being worried too! Enjoy your life as it is...
    You will be married at the right point of time in your life.

    ReplyDelete