17 December 2005

Se soltanto

My one and only finals are over, done, finished. Yay!

On the other hand, I am currently experiencing internal turbulence. It is a state where I don't understand what is going on in my head. It is like I cannot find equilibrium in my internal feelings.

On the academic side, there is rejoicing and happiness. I am so happy that the semester is over, that it has been a productive semester. I successfully finished a semester of graduate school. I also had a good meeting with my now-official adviser. He gave me feedback to my paper, as I requested three weeks ago. And so I brought my notebook with me during the meeting and took notes so I could remember his suggestions. Now, I have quite some books to read during the break. I am writing my Qualifying Paper with him as my adviser. He wants me as a first step to review all the related material and summarize them so I can see what has been done on the topic and what needs to be done after that. So that is what I am going to do this break.

On the emotional side, I feel depressed. Down. Flatline. It seems that only my career is making me go on and on and on, ala Energizer bunny. But I don't feel happiness and joy in things that are not connected to my studies. I know it is wrong. Is this just homesickness? I do miss things that I had back home. I miss my parents. I miss my sister. I miss the fact that someone still bothers to ask me what my day was like even though I would always answer the same answer, "It's OK." I miss the fact that I would eat dinner not alone, but as a family. I miss the fact that my dogs would greet me by rubbing their heads in between my legs whenever I get back from school. I miss the arguments that me and my sister would always find us engaged in, usually in theoretical, academic, feminist, and other controversial topics.

So then, I rationalize. That I wanted to get three extra letters attached to the end of my name, that is why I am here. That is why I am studying. I guess one just cannot have everything one wants. Sacrifice, then, is the key. If only...

But then all I could do is sigh, as I know I would still be driven to continue. And the sun will set, then rise again, and another day goes by.

2 comments:

  1. ay, nami-miss mo ur family. di bale, makakasama mo rin sila, for sure yan. :)

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  2. Continuing such an emotional unsatisfying situation isn't easy - I can imagine very well!

    Thanks for your last comments too. What will you do at Christmas?

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