25 April 2006

Counterfactual

If I had an idea, I would have finished my paper by now.

Now, that is a counterfactual.

The above statement is true, if you are evaluating it based on its characteristics. But it is false, if you are evaluating it based on my own experience.

I think I am on a dead-end with my Semantics 2 paper. I already changed my topic during the weekend. And now, with my current topic, I cannot seem to make my topic materialize. All I have are nebulaic bits and pieces of ideas that need to grow and become a supernova.

I need ideas, badly.

To tell you the truth, I only have two more things to do academically. This paper, and my Typology exam, which will happen this Thursday. By the way, did I tell you that I finished revising my paper for publication? I already passed it on to my fellow graduate student to proofread for stylistics. So that is also out of the way.

Just this paper, just this paper. I need to crystallize my ideas fast.

I am a masochist. Now I have come to realize that.

In my undergraduate years, all my training consisted of 90% syntax and 10% everything else about linguistics. That is how unbalanced my undergraduate department is. I am not bashing them, it is just the unfortunately reality of the lack of well-roundedness of the faculty. Anyway, that is why I find syntax easy. Now I have come here in Buffalo, where one can do tons of things aside from Syntax, and I chose Semantics, because it simply intrigues me. I think of it as a challenge, when I need to think really hard in order to produce an opus. That's why I am thinking really hard right now.

But then thinking hard today brought me to a numb state of being, that no matter how hard I tried to think, nothing happens.

So I took a break and went to a music recital in the Music Department. Since it is the end of the semester, there are plenty of student recitals that are free. I went to a saxophone recital, which consisted of classical music from the Classical, Impressionist, and Avant-Garde era. It was just amazing to see how the body of the performer contorts as he rides the sounds produced by his saxophone. It was an amazing experience, how that single instrument can reverberate across the recital hall and pierce through my ears, sending waves deep within my body. It felt like a transcendental experience.

Oh well, enough of transcendental talk. I better go back to my counterfactuals.

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