20 September 2007

MK-Ultra

Apparently, my post a couple of days ago caused a stir in Central Europe. I had learned that there are people in Central Europe who follow my blog with a religious fervor, always checking it every morning and evening, even the comments, as to whether there are updates or not.

I usually do not mind when there are fans that are interested in my life. However, I do not like it when they jump to conclusions.

For one thing, being turned on by a certain female does not mean that I will pursue her. It does not mean that I will jump the gun and head over to Vegas and get married with that person, someone who I don't know a single thing about. The last time I checked, I still have my head above my neck.

Why is it that I get these reactions from my Central European fan base? Don't they see that this is precisely the reaction I get from them which prevents me from disclosing my personal thoughts? Isn't it really, superbly pathetic that I need to have a blog so I can write my personal thoughts and then for them to read it? Why do I have to have a medium?

Because they made it hard for me to disclose my personal thoughts.

Whenever I would attempt to disclose something, I would get a reaction that I do not expect. Like jumping to conclusions.

I am not a tabula rasa anymore. I know what things I need to avoid, better than ten years ago. I know that I shouldn't touch a stove when it is hot or else I will be burned.

I am not a puppet. I am not a doll. I am not a computer program. I am not a robot. I am not a participant in a mind-control experiment. I am a human. And humans come with free will and independent thought. Humans think. Humans analyze. Humans rationalize. So for once, let me think and protect myself.

I really find it hard to understand the paradox of parenting. Parents try their best to protect their offspring. They protect their offspring from outside factors, from threats, and from other sorts of danger. However, sometimes, the fence that was created around the garden is too small that it actually smothers the garden.

Take my earlier post, for example. I was simply blogging about a regular bodily function. It is a regular and normal reaction for a human male to be attracted to a human female. It is utter hypocrisy to deny that this stuff happens.

I guess my Central European fan base doesn't realize that I am human too, and I am capable of these thoughts and feelings. I guess I always was seen as the safe child, the one who keeps to oneself, the one who is kosher, vanilla, halal, mild, GP, medium, or whatever safe choice you have out there.

But, come to think of it, why did I not show a "dangerous side"? Simply because I felt like I was under duress.

There were times when it was better to shut up rather than insist the truth, or else I was threatened to be kicked off the car in the freeway. I was supposed to satisfy the demigods rather than show independent thought. Because by default, I am supposed to be wrong and they are supposed to be right.

So, to avoid conflict, I decided to just act kosher, vanilla, halal, mild, GP, medium. Just to avoid a conflict.

But deep under my skin, I am still a human. Just another human.



(Ciudad Mitad del Mundo, from my La Mitad del Mundo Series)

4 comments:

  1. That sucks. Part of the reason why I kept my LJ on private for so long was b/c I was worried that people might read it and flip out.

    And then I learned that people online will pretty much flip out over anything anyway. I think that it's just a matter of weeding out the crazies and ignoring them.

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  2. baka naman worried lang sila kasi ayaw pa ng fan base mo na........



    magka-apo? ;)

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  3. I haven't been here for a longer time again.
    So first and formeost:
    Sorry for my absence...

    But let me tell you, I enjoy your way of telling us something of your experiences more and more -
    because you are so refreshing honest!

    Go on in that way, LIW.

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  4. hi jeruen! as i've said, i will comment after i've read ur blog..it was very interesting and engaging..don't let other people's comments stop you from speaking out..i look forward to reading more of your blogs..tc! :)-jem

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