18 April 2007


The whole campus has felt the reverberations of the shooting massacre that happened yesterday. All flags were flown half-mast today, and prayers and vigils were held in the Student Union. There are 33 candles that are burning in the Student Union as I type. And tomorrow, the Virginia Tech flag will also be flown half-mast at Lee Loop on-campus.

Tragic indeed, but life goes on.

It makes me wonder, whether if it is true that I have a heart of stone, whether if I am incapable of feeling emotions. Because to tell you the truth, I do not feel sad. Life goes on, I still need to go to school, I still need to grade papers, I still need to live.

Earlier today, me and a couple of my friends went to Starbucks for a shot of caffeine. I saw the UB flag flying half-mast through the window. And inside, a female customer was crying, apparently for a different reason. One of my friends know her, and he went over to her table to comfort her.

With all the people around me showing emotions, I wonder why I do not.

I watched The Holiday with a couple of friends over the weekend. And Cameron Diaz's character was one character who wasn't able to cry. I somehow identify myself with her. I think I can relate to her character.

There are times when I was said to have a heart of stone. My sister usually says that to me. She predicted that I would have a hard time finding a mate, due to the fact that I do not "feel". And indeed, I am not looking at the moment.

I once tried to formulate human sexual behavior by means of a scale. I called it the "Human Philo-Erotic Continuum". My sister opposed it vehemently. For me, life is easier if everything can be quantified. I guess this is my viewpoint which also makes me prefer the experimental side of things. I prefer to be an experimental linguist, which is in accord to my views.

When my parents moved out of the house 3 years ago in Manila, there were occasions when my sister just cried because my folks weren't around anymore. One occasion comes to mind when we were in a mall, trying to find a dress for her. She usually is successful in finding an outfit with my mother's help. But when they left, I was the only one accompanying her. And she couldn't find an outfit. She cried in the restaurant, and the waiter even thought that we were a couple and we were having a fight. But for me, the fact is that my folks left, and I just have to deal with it. Period. Life moves on.

I have to say that I do have highs and lows. But it doesn't get to me. I do not linger in those emotions but instead I move forward.

But still I don't know. I don't know why I seem to be not like other humans in expressing their feelings.

One thing though, is true. Currently, there is this feeling of vague hate, directed at someone. I do not know why I have it. I myself cannot explain why. I didn't hate this person at first, and I still try to be civil whenever I am around the vicinity, but I cannot say that I am comfortable with this person anymore if I were to be left in the same room with this person.

Aarrgghh, the whole human package is indeed hard to explain.

So, here is another one of my Niagara Falls in the Winter Series. The section of the falls at the background is the Canadian falls. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to cross over to the Canadian side to see it closely. Well, maybe next time.


  1. I find it's best that we're true to our emotions instead of looking around us to find out how others are feeling and emulating them: if you aren't moved, then you aren't moved and it's better to be honest than to fein tears or joy: no one can ask you anything more than to be true to how you feel, and if how you feel is unmoved, than so be it.

    - Matan

  2. Hello :) Bloghopped from Toe.

    They're saying if you don't know what you feel, it doesn't mean you have no feelings. I guess that goes the same with not crying or not feeling sad..it doesn't mean you don't care.

    I also feel the same way sometimes. When everybody's crying or being concerned and all....I cannot find it in my heart to do the same. Matthew is right...better to be true to our emotions than pretend.

  3. We've seen the news of the shooting massacre in German TV and we felt reminded of the so shocking Erfurt massacre in Germany some years ago.
    I think the psychic and social isolation of such a killer must have been so incredibly big...